Friday, November 19, 2004

Agoraphobia

I seem like a normal gal, don't I?  Everybody I know thinks I must be a social butterfly.  I used to be.  once.  When I go out to functions with my husband, I chat and share jokes and generally chit chat with whomever.  But, without my husband, I don't go out very much at all.  I have a mild form of agoraphobia.  Sometimes I feel really stupid for having it, because people don't understand it, or think I'm joking.....and then I have to say 'No, really, I get panic attacks if I leave my house alone..or if the phone rings...or if...'  and I get the 'ohhhkay...FREAK!' type looks.  It's really awful to have it....it really really is.  I mean, I can do some things....because I have done certain things for so long (like church or horseback classes, etc) I can drive and go to those places, but for the most part, I would rather shoot myself in the foot than go anywhere alone.  The funny thing is...just recently, I have been getting a little better with it....and I was talking to my husband about it.  He tries to understand and looks out for me if he seems that I'm in an uncomfortable situation.  He said that most people don't understand because the people who have this problem don't usually come out and talk about it, so people think it really doesn't exist...or if another person has it, that they're a serious reject.  What he said was true, because after being on AOL for so long.....I've found that there are more people than I ever imagined with varying degrees of agoraphobia.  It makes me feel less alone...less.....well, weird.  Although, I know my problem has impacted people.  My husbands' family doesn't understand it, and I think they think I've just turned into some rude <bleep>.  To be honest, it DOES hurt that they (may) think that.  I'm still the same Amy when I'm around them.  I just don't take their calls.  Email me?  I'll write you back in a nanosecond.....but call me and I get queasy from the thought of having to answer the phone.  :-/  It hasn't really impacted my kids much.  For some weird reason, even when we DO go somewhere, the boys want to go home.  (could it be that their video games are at home?  could it be they can wander around the house pantless if they want?  ya, possibly so...lol)  I think my daughter would like to go places sometimes, andthat's hard for me.  I know she wants to go to a bookstore or something, but she says 'No...I'll just wait til dad gets home...that way you don't have to deal with the boys while I'm there looking for books....it's cool, Mom'  Bless her heart, and yet, I feel sad.  I know it's true that the boys would be a handful, but still...she looks out for me that she wouldn't want me to deal with working myself up to go out.  The strange thing is..........a few years into my having this 'problem'.....I've started to like not having everyone talking to me....I've started to like the quiet.....not so much 'isolation' because it's not that......but...being with my family..no interruptions.... I don't know...someone I knew who had the same problem as me said her doctor called those the 'perks' of having this problem.  Starting to enjoy being alone.  So, it's kinda weird to me....if it's a problem...do I try to fix it?  Even if I like the 'perks' of it?  Hmm....I guess I have to think if it hurts anyone.  I mean, *I* feel hurt sometimes because of people who think I'm a <insert word of choice here>, but that'd happen in any situation, right?  I have some online friends who have become very close to me and understand me (and the problem) which makes me feel alot better. Maybe it's just the interaction of day to day people who look at me crazy-like.  Can't just send a complete stranger a webpage about your disorder, you know?  ::sigh::  Am I making any sense today?  I'm only on my first cup of coffee and it's early (for me).  It's 9:10, for the love of mike!  (<-- I don't know...I was watching an episode of Scariest Places of Earth one time and this guy was walking around and he heard this big bang and he yelled 'For the Love of Mike!' and I thought it was hilarious, so I use it now.  BTW...I LOVE Scariest Places on Earth and I am pissed beyond belief that Fox Family sold out to ABC Family and then ABC Family decided it wasn't 'Family oriented' enough and took it off.  Buttmunches.....my whole family crawled into our bed at night to watch that show!  We were all laughing like idiots.  Of course, we always ended up with a kid sleeping WITH us, but oh well...it was worth it.)  

In food news, I haven't been commenting on our dinners lately because they've been so random and last minute.  Tuesday was leftovers, Wednesday was Burger King at 9:30PM (Alex had church at 5, and then we had to pick up Jesse from work), Thursday was bowties in alfredo with steamed shrimp, and some very very really good garlic bread.  I had never tried scallops, so we bought a half pound of those and cooked them.  I found out that I didn't really care for scallops all that much.  eh.  We've also been having dessert lately.  Pumpkin pie....which we can never get enough of (WITH CoolWhip, TYVM!), and ice cream......and I found a recipe for some Angel Food and Pineapple Cake that Jesse should like.....because he loves pineapple....  

I should......be getting started on Christmas presents.  I think since Jesse has off this weekend (will wonders never cease?!) that we may go shopping and get a bit done.  We already have a few things purchased, but nowhere near enough.  I thought something was sweet (in regards to Christmas) the other day.  Ryan comes up to me and says..... "Not that long til I"ll be able to go volunteer at Toys For Tots!!!  I'm so excited!!"  :)  Toys For Tots is near and dear to our hearts.  If you ever want to end up crying all night long because a little kids' eyes got super wide and they got a missing tooth grin because they saw you come out with a bunch of toys just for them.....this is the place for you.  More tear jerking stories to come, I'm sure....  :)

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